It’s either a slow day at Bastard HQ or I better have plenty good reason for writing about some blogger in California that no one’s heard of. I know it seems uncouth for me to knock a blogger for trying to write a funny article to appease the masses for a small moment of enjoyment but it would also be uncouth for me not to as well. If I were a medieval king my name would be Jaye The Bitching Typist and I would be constantly sending out scribes to tell King Edward the noble to place suction on my genitals after my army again shows its might on the field of battle, all while mocking his choice of attire for his knights. That’s what I do, and today I’m going to do it again.
As we all know, the world series is being played between the Royals of Kansas City and the Giants of San Francisco, and so far it’s been a barn burner. As a representative of Kansas City, it gives me great pride to see the local team doing so well, but I am also aware that not everyone shares my sentiment and that we always have to deal with the residents of the opposing team, and this is where we bring Daisy Barringer up on stage. Daisy, author of such posts as “30 Twitter Accounts Every San Franciscan Should Follow” and “5 Genius Ideas for Sneaking Booze Into The Treasure Island Music Festival” (boy, she found her niche with the list style articles didn’t she) finally got my attention with “13 Reason why the Kansas City Royals are the Worst.”
That’s it. Apparently the Royals are the worst, but she didn’t mention what we were the worst at, so I’m going to assume this list in all encompassing. In her words, “Everyone’s being super nice about the Royals, like we’re supposed to feel bad for them since they suck so badly they haven’t won jack in almost 30 years. Well, screw that, and screw the Royals: here are 13 reasons they’re actually the worst.” And then she lists 13 reasons we are THE WORST. And I read it, and I facepalmed because someone in SF read that draft and said “Dude, you should totally post that” and it was posted… and it wasn’t a very good list. I decided that I would use her exact same reasons why the Royals suck and address her bandwagoning ass.
1 – Everyone is Rooting for them –
No, seriously. They’re suddenly “America’s Team”. You know who else is “America’s Team”? The Dallas Cowboys. Enough. Said.
No, people are rooting for them because it’s a club that doesn’t a billion dollar payroll and people love the underdog. In comparison, SF has 11 people on their current roster making 5 million or more this season. the Royals have 7. As a bonus feature the Royals are not paying a 2 time Cy Young award winner 17.5 million dollars a year to ride pine in the dugout and injure his back throwing a baseball.
2. They don’t even play in Kansas
OH MY GOD. SHE FINALLY FIGURED IT OUT. I can’t believe someone took your money for a college education with a straight face.
3. Ned Yost looks like an even sadder, more pathetic Eeyore
Wow. You went there. Allow me to retort – Barry Bonds in drag. Sit down.
4. The Royals fans were 25th in attendance this year
Damn, got me there. You’re so right, we totally suck because a town with multiple sports teams must lead the attendance records in every state or they suck. While we’re on the subject would we like to talk about the attendance figures before Barry Bonds came to town or are we done with this conversation?
5. They haven’t even won their division since their last World Series appearance
The Giants don’t even make the playoffs after they win the world series. Place mouth on my baby maker, roll it around a little.
6. Nope, not named after something cool like kings and queens
Hey, remember what the Giants were originally named? You know, when they were based in NEW YORK? Or do we even want to talk about that? Fine, I’ll talk. The giants were originally called the Gothams. Is there a reason you didn’t bring that up or do you not know the history of your club, Daisy?
7. After missing their 28th straight postseason in 2013, their GM said “In a small way, I feel like we’ve won the World Series.”
This is supposed to be a knock on the team for not winning a title in 29 years. Pop Quiz Daisy, how many years are between 2010 and 1954?
8. These guys
Those guys – are AWESOME. having 40,000 people with orange panda ears on – not awesome.
9 – Paul Ryan is rooting for them
I would have figured that your first point being “Everyone is rooting for them” would have covered Paul Ryan, but you’re clearly running out of steam at this point and I will do nothing but mock you from here on out. The fact that this is coming from the only town in America that still likes Barry Bonds is even more hilarious.
10. Owner David Glass was the CEO of Walmart when they were busted for lying about stuff being “Made in America”
yes…. let’s talk about people getting busted for stuff they said. that conversation simply must be had, young daisy. You bring your story about David Glass, and I’ll bring Lamar’s grand jury testimony, and we’ll meet at cooperstown. it’s a date.
11. Jarrod Dyson is a really bad dancer
After stealing a base in the Wild Card game, Dyson pantomimed dancing while riding a motorcycle. Daisy even remarked about Dyson’s crappy salary. The man makes a half million a year, it is what it is. How much are you paying Timmy again?
12. The fans don’t understand that all witticisms are automatically made obsolete…when paired with a CAPE
Again, our name is the Royals. We wear crowns and tiaras and capes to the games. It happens. At least we don’t duke it out with the Cardinals fans after games.
13. Paul Rudd invited everyone to his Mom’s house for a kegger after the Royals won the ALCS Except NOT REALLY.
should have went to McFadden’s then. Eric Hosmer and his crappy 3.6 million dollar salary picked up the bar tab following the game. That’s what I like about living in the midwest. the people are so nice out here it’s like living in Canada minus the accents.
And that concluded her article. She then begged Paul Rudd for free booze and simply had to link to her twitter account, where this article will also be posted. I know it was a lighthearted attempt at humor but it failed miserably, much like the rest of her journalism, but hey, what can you expect from someone who lives in a town that won’t exist when the big earthquake hits?
In closing, welcome to the midwest, Daisy. From all of us at the Kansas City Bastards to you,