Kansas City Bastards

WBOD – Sue Ann Hamm

by on Nov.16, 2014, under Epic Douchebaggery, Other Magnificent Bastards

It’s joke time! Okay, stop me if you’ve heard this one… What is the definition of marriage? Me betting half my stuff that I’ll love you forever. And why are divorces so expensive? They’re worth it.

Having gotten all that out of the way, Let’s talk divorce. Marriages always end on the premise of giving her the D. You did it to get her to marry you, and you’re going to do it again to get her to go away. Simple as that. Divorces happen all the time, hell, it even happened to me, and they are going to continue to happen as long as alimony exists. I consider myself lucky as my first divorce was relatively painless, (and she waived alimony! SCOOOOOOOOOOOOOOORE) and I already know how my union with child bride will end – not in a mutual exchange of hostilities on social media, but rather a grizzly and horrific murder/suicide. Yet there are some spouses out there that do not settle for half of nothing, they want to squeeze as much blood from that stone as they can get, and if they have a good enough lawyer they’re gonna get the stone too. Lets face it, building a life with someone takes time and effort, and in the event forever only lasts a few years, you’re gonna have to do something with the shit you’ve acquired, and hashing it out sucks.

“No, YOU take the god damn crock pot!! I want the cookie jar that moos when you take the head off it!”

Then a mediator has to get involved, and hopefully it doesn’t take too long to divvy up the velvet elvis paintings and the honeymoon silverware that was “of much sentimental value” yet still unopened and “somewhere in the attic” yet when it’s all said and done, now you have to pay the mediator (and by you I mean the one that DIDN’T suggest that one be needed to sort out marital assets) and ONLY then will you be able to move on with your lives, your dreams, and your half of the DVD Library.

But for every commoner who wishes to dissolve his/her union with someone and their biggest fear is who is getting the cat (spoiler alert – not you) there are the elite wealthy who sometimes look at each other on their thrones made of money and just say “you know, I don’t really like you anymore” setting off a huge firestorm of divorce lawyers and media conferences and talk show hosts finding out why Mr Mo’Money is leaving Mrs Mo’Money  (usually because it involved a cabana boy in their summer vacation home! details at 7!) but the everyday commoner is left to wonder – what will happen to their fortune?- because the National Enquirer has details on the massive 500 million dollar divorce that never seems to happen… I digress. But in terms of divorce settlements, nothing had my attention more than Harold Hamm’s possible world record asset dividing divorce, and I don’t mean that in a light way – the dude at the time of his separation was worth 20 BILLION dollars, and his soon to be ex wife was looking at half of that.

10 billion for 25 years of marriage. She basically says she needs 400 million for every year she was married to him.

This past week, a judge finally handed down his decision – Mr Hamm as already paid her 23 million, and he has until the end of the year to pay his ex wife 322 million and then he will pay her 7 million dollars a MONTH until he makes up the balance of the 650 million he needs to pay her. Do a little math, that’s 995 million dollars. For a thanks for playing award, I’d be totally happy with that.

Naturally, Sue Ann looked at this judgement that would pay her $2.70 PER SECOND just to exist and said… NOT GOOD ENOUGH.

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There is a fine line between “getting what you deserve” and “sticking it in and breaking it off”.

Look, I’ll probably never even see a billion dollars in person my entire life. And I can understand that if I were to hit the lottery and find myself on top of 500 million dollars, I’d give Child Bride half because she married me when I had nothing, now we have something, and provided she doesn’t murder me in my sleep, hope that two fitty mill helps you move along in life. However, I am unaware of what kind of dollar figure should be attached to someone who “used to work” for the husband’s company but didn’t put the time and effort into it like he did, and then bitches about compensation when a judge hands you a billion dollars because you think you’re worth more than that. I would be perfectly okay with Sue Ann Hamm going forth and saying “this is what the company did while I was “sort of” working there, and as a result of that, I feel like I am entitled to such and such amount” and the judge reviews it and says okay or not… Just complaining about your meager billion dollars (what kind of christmas are you planning with your 7 million dollar a month stipend, anyway?) doesn’t make me any more sympathetic to your financial crisis. If you are basing your divorce settlement on your job performance, you’re kind of doing it wrong anyway.

So way to go, Sue Ann Hamm. You successfully became the first person to ever come out and say your vagina is vastly undervalued at the bargain price of 995 million dollars.

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