Kansas City Bastards

The WBOD – My Very Own Mother

by on Dec.14, 2014, under Epic Douchebaggery, Other Magnificent Bastards

We’re hitting the wayback machine for this week’s lesson in humanity, and when we’re done, you’re going to come to the same conclusion that every else that has heard this story before – man, this woman is fucked the hell up.

I don’t know if it was a chilly evening that Christmas Eve in 2003 for the residents of Jacksonville, Florida, because I wasn’t there. I’m assuming that people were trying to get their last second shopping in for the next day’s events, and like most people, my esteemed mother was at work, and just like everybody at work, she wanted to be at home with her family on Christmas Eve. Maybe sitting in the living room listening to Bing Crosby’s christmas album again, drinking some egg nog. That’s how I would have liked to spend my Christmas eve, but I couldn’t. I’ll explain why in a minute.

Sadly, my mother could not be at home with her family around the fireplace wearing ugly sweaters, because she was at work, waiting for someone to arrive. A ride home? A long lost friend?  No. She was waiting on the Marines.

Started in 1947 the Marine Corps Toys for Tots program has been one of the biggest toy collection drives in the history of ever, and given the notion it was started by an all volunteer force and has now grown as an official mission of the USMC Reserves, that’s saying a lot. It’s an awesome program, and I try to help out when I can. Basically they work with businesses and shops around your town to set up collection points, and some time before christmas, the Corps comes down, collects what has been donated, and gets these toys wrapped and delivered to needy children so everyone can have a great christmas.


The downside to this is that the Marine Corps Reserve isn’t very big, and there are often instances where 10-15 men are tasked to pick up collection points in a 200 mile radius, so they might be a little behind schedule if, say, they were trying to pick up on Christmas Eve, the second busiest shopping day of the year… See what I’m getting at?

According to some accounts, the Marines were supposed to be picking up at 6:30pm, by some other accounts, the Marines didn’t even know  they were supposed to be there, but the long story short was, it was past 6:30, and there were still toys at her store, and no Marines, so naturally my parent did the only thing she knew how to do best – make it all about her.

She does this thing quite often where she gets so far up on her high horse brain cells die from lack of oxygen, resulting in situations where she’ll forget to mention she’s currently working on her 4th marriage when she’s calling you the biggest disappointment ever for getting a divorce, or the time she put out an APB on her beloved missing daughter, posting updates almost hourly in the hopes that her (almost 40 year old) baby girl will be found and returned home safe… right up until that final message of “we found her, thank you all” ended the great Drama of 2012. She wasn’t dead, dying, kidnapped, or needed to be rescued by SEAL team 6, she was in jail, but let’s not tell anybody that… it ruins the moment of dedication one shows to a child who just became a grandparent at the age of 39 and still calls her parents mommy AND daddy. But I digress.

Seeings it was Dec 24th and she really wanted to go home, but those dang old lazy Marines hadn’t come by to collect their shipment yet, Dear Mother opened the can of Fast Acting Shit Proportion Blower Outer, took a mighty quaff and proceeded to make an even bigger ass out of herself than usual. Let’s not call the regional representative for the TFT program and see when they can expect a pick up… no, this is my mother we’re talking about. She called the MEDIA to complain that her point hadn’t been visited yet. As a result, Dec 27th Channel 4 News ran a story about the irate woman store manager who was late getting home on christmas eve because her toy collection was never picked up. The USMC’s response was fast and to the point – “we had 15 men covering the entire city of Jacksonville, we apologize if we were late, give us a fucking break, lady.”

I might have paraphrased that last part. But you get my point. Because shit didn’t get done the exact second it said it was going to be done, my mother went from Media Darling Citizen Who Reports Injustice Everywhere to “crazy fucking insensitive bitch who called the goddamn MEDIA about a late pick up” and let me tell you, the general public doesn’t really take too kindly to situations like this. When word got out that she had notified a news crew to complain for whatever reason she had, she became a pariah almost instantly. Turns out you can’t really defend yourself when you pull a stunt like this and have it blow up in your face on the internet. This is probably why she won’t talk about this at dinner parties and stuff. Anyway…

You might have recalled me saying earlier I wasn’t around while my very own giver of life was on the news bitching about the military not picking up donated toys on time, and as a result she was stuck at work on Christmas eve… so where was I during all this?

right.... fucking...  there

right… fucking… there

That’s right, while the queen of No Wire Hangers was pouting on local television, her own son (that’d be me) was at that time located in a small forward operating base in Baqubah Iraq, getting shrapnel and debris removed from his eye because he got a 60mm mortar round dropped on his guard position shortly after 8:45pm, local time. Merry Christmas, Infidel!

So let’s recap –

  • woman complains on local TV that because the military hasn’t come to her store to pick up toys, she’s stuck at work instead of being able to be at home.
  • woman conveniently forgets her own son is currently deployed to a war zone using real bullets… and would have loved to spend christmas with his own newborn son instead of taking explosives to the face
  • woman still doesn’t understand why people don’t like her

I get that not everybody is a huge fan of the military in any capacity, but when you’re someone who constantly flaunts that your grandfather, father, and 3 brothers all served in the military at some capacity (but don’t bring up your own son’s 15 years of service, at all, period, because he had the audacity to live his own life…) you should be well aware that shit doesn’t always go as planned, and that in the event it doesn’t, you do NOT go on camera during the holidays and nag about how screwed up the rest of your night is because of traffic while your own flesh and blood is duking it out with the locals 2,000 miles away. That doesn’t make you a figure for sympathy, that makes you an emotionally selfish individual who hasn’t the slightest idea of what compassion for your fellow man really is. And to act like a spoiled brat during all of this, well, that’s just a new level of low.

Hope you call channel 4 for this as well, because the whole world needs to know about this –



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