Kansas City Bastards

The BOD – Creflo Dolla Dolla Bill Y’All

by on Apr.26, 2015, under Epic Douchebaggery, Other Magnificent Bastards

So by now everyone has heard of the preacher asking for donations for a 65 million dollar jet, right? You know it had to get worse. And it did, hallelujah.

When looking at the number of things religions say they need in order to better spread the word of their god, I never thought anything could top the water park built by Jim and Tammy Faye Bakker, but comically, I was mistaken. Just a few months ago Prosperity Gospel preacher man (and aptly named) Creflo Dollar made international headlines when he went on record asking 200,000 of his followers to donate $300 apiece so he could get a new jet for his ministries. He was asking for the Bugatti of jets – a Gulfstream G650. Price Tag – $65 million. The reason given was his current jet, made in 1984, had fallen into disrepair and needed to be replaced with the best new model on the market because he has to travel a lot for his church – which, you must know, teaches that giving up 10% of your earthly wealth will gain you treasures in heaven.

For the record, Leper Messiah was written in 1986, if you wanted to know if Metallica could predict the future.

Anyway, after the backlash of his stupefying request to his parishioners, he toned it down a little and then said that he was no longer asking for donations because of the publicity. While it seemed that social media had thwarted another fleecing of the flock, Dollar didn’t waste any time getting back on his Donation Pony and championing his new jet crowdsourcing again. This time he said the negativity was from Satan wanting to discredit him from his million dollar home in Atlanta where he parks his Rolls-Royce when he’s not at his 2.5 million dollar apartment in Manhattan. All in the name of someone who didn’t even own a HORSE.

Prosperity, indeed.

As it turns out, needing a private jet to travel around the world asking people for money is just the tip of the iceberg. In a recent follow up interview Dollar stated that he wouldn’t stop at just a jet for his cause, because “if they found life on Mars, I’m gonna have to believe God for a billion dollar space shuttle. Cause we got to preach the Gospel on Mars.”

Back this Winnebago up just a few feet. If they find life on Mars, he’s going to assume god wants him to fly out there and talk religion to whatever it is they find. I’m just gonna play devil’s advocate here for just a second and poke holes all up in his stupid ass sound byte.

First off, you’re looking at around 2 billion for a shuttle. And then tack on another 500 million to put the damn thing in the sky. You have about 60,000 pounds of payload so bring plenty of food to go with those miniature bibles because you’re looking at a 10 month flight. Make sure you get an aisle seat and plenty of legroom.

Once you get to Mars, understand that NASA has said they if we find life in outer space, more likely than anything we will discover microorganisms first. Please understand that you will have made a 10 month 140 million mile trip to talk Jesus to something you won’t be able to see without a microscope. Before you get all bent out of shape, if a fertilized human egg can be classified as a life, an alien microorganism found to be living in the cold depths of a distant planet constitutes the very same definition of “life” so get ready to start converting things the size of bacteria to your church.

After you have successfully claimed Mars for Jesus, and in the process convinced the entire population of microorganisms to give you 10% of whatever they have for money out there, it’s time to come back home. But you chose a space shuttle to travel in, which does not have direct take off capabilities and instead must be launched by booster rockets. Looks like you should have gone with the original moon orbiters and landing craft.

Let’s also play with the idea that you are now intruding on the population of Mars’ religious beliefs and should these microorganisms even have the ability to understand what the fuck you’re saying, could easily become offended and your spreading of the gospel could ignite an interplanetary war. You know, as soon as they evolve enough to develop space flight of their own. But I digress.

The fact is, if you want to give your money to a guy who wants to new jet so he can go around and tell you how awesome it will be to give HIM your money to make your self look good in the eyes of his god, then by all means go ahead and do it. Rather than give your money to someone who needs it, maybe it will affect his life in a manner that changes everything and he gets back on his feet, you still did good in the eyes of your deity and should be judged as favorable, give your money to someone who wants it so he can be seen more quickly by his heavenly father. That makes sense. But if you’re someone who is actually doing the asking, then there is a special place in the bottom of a pile of pig shit for you. Creflo Dollar is right up there in the top 15 of all con men, and using his beliefs as the way to get a 65 million dollar plane is beyond sickening. If you’re begging for money for a plane that your god hasn’t just blessed you with one, how much more of a hint do you need that maybe you don’t really need one to begin with? Or you could always raise 65 million dollars and donate it to housing homeless vets, families in need, or hell, stroke a check and give it to Detroit for crying out loud.

One is more inclined to give when it is apparent that the direct recipient  isn’t the one with the most to show for your generosity.

Creflo Dollar, you’ve earned this.


1 Comment for this entry

  • SATCOM Nerd

    I was beginning to wonder how long it would take you to comment on this particular piece of excrement…

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