Kansas City Bastards

Unbridled Awesomeness Update: Charlie Sheen is still bitchin’

by on Mar.04, 2011, under Blogs, News

Now I’m not the first person to take note at the most recent of Charlie Sheen’s many antics,  though I will say I’ve been 100% behind the Charlie Sheen enterprise for as far as I can remember, regardless of the adorable little scuffles and antics he always ends up in. I only mention it ’cause sometimes there’s a man, I won’t say a hero, ’cause what’s a hero, but sometimes there’s a man, and I’m talking about Charlie Sheen here, sometimes there’s a man, well, he’s The Man for that time and place. He fits there. And that’s Charlie Sheen.

As much of an antithesis this may be to our regular blog postings condemning jerkoffs for their many misdeeds and behaviors unbecoming of even the lowliest of fucks, I felt the need to strike while the iron is hot regarding how great I think Charlie Sheen is and more specifically, everything he is doing. And how could you not love this well rounded actor whose been known for years of wacky antics and only the most minimal instances of spousal abuse? We’ve heard his name a lot in the media and I honestly am starting to get a little upset how people are reacting with such negativity and disdain for our one time prince of war, parody, and hookers.

For those like myself who prefer to admire the drama that is Hollywood’s product, rather than the drama that is Hollywood’s staff, we love Charlie Sheen because we grew up with him, and because as an actor he’s  very multifaceted.  The best part is, all of his many fortes in the roles he has achieved have been movies that I plain dig the shit out of.  Absolutely mindless action movies like Navy SEALs and Red Dawn– Fuck, I should stop right there.  People, we’re talking about the guy from Red Dawn that wasn’t Swayze, show some god damned respect!  Hot Shots! and Major League, for christ’s sake.  But he’s also done some of the more serious and involving dramas that came out of the 80’s, such as Platoon and Wall Street.  These are all movies that aren’t just in my collection, but represent both most watched and most valued, to me.

That being said, while the majority of his best movies were in the late 80’s to early 90’s, he didn’t stop entertaining us at any point.

1990- Accidentally shoots fiancee Kelly Preston in the arm, who subsequently left him for John Travolta.  Luckily a badass like Charlie Sheen can replace one talented actress with two pornstars, being Ginger Lynn Allen (yeah, the chick from Metallica’s Turn the Page video!)  and Heather Hunter. Also in this very eventful year Charlie Checked into rehab for alcohol abuse, and managed to stay clean for exactly 1 year and 1 day before reportedly getting shitfaced as a guest in Nicolas Cage’s home.

1995- Charlie is called to testify in the trial of Hollywood lady-pimp Heidi Fleiss, confessing to spending more than $50,000 total on 27 of  her very expensive hooking-class employees.

1996-  Charged with and plead no contest to counts of misdemeanor battery against then girlfriend, pornstar Brittany Ashland.

1998- Overdoses on cocaine (remember what Mia Wallace did in Pulp Fiction when she snorted Heroin thinking it was cocaine? Yeah, Charlie went and did the straight fucking opposite) and is hospitalized. Upon his release he is arrested near instantly and forced into rehab

The 2000’s brought more of the same for our lovable pal;

2002- Marries Denise Richards, has a kid, gets her pregnant again, and Denise files for divorce while pregnant with their second child. Officially divorced in 2006.

2003- Two and a Half Men debuts, initializing the singularity between the real life of Charlie Sheen and his character “Charlie” on the show.

Between 2007 and now he has gone through another marriage and domestic violence charge, as well as very recently some more drug related issues, it all gets to be a little repetitive to type out, but the consummation of which being a hospitalization in January of this year for abdominal pains (Sheen denying their association to drug usage) putting Two and a Half Men on hiatus.  The show was subsequently terminated after Sheen made negative remarks about the creators of the show on a radio show hosted by Alex Jones.

Sheen has since ignited a rocket powered chariot of majesty since a February 28th interview demanding more money (a million more dollars per episode, after already being the highest paid sitcom star in the United States at $2 million per episode) as well as numerous interviews since on as many news affiliates as possible, making bold and eccentric statements discussing everything from the producers of the show, the CBS network, the mothers of his children, but absolutely most importantly; how fucking bitchin’ he is.

I have only typed the rest of this blog up to now because I feel the compulsion to give everyone a basic background as to what the fuck I am talking about.

“My conduct is bitchin’, my condition is perfect so… I don’t know what they’re talking about.”

“It’s been a tsunami of media, and I’ve been riding it on a mercury surfboard” he said, opening a candid interview with Piers Morgan

He continued by setting the record straight on what actually happened years prior with ex girlfriend Brittany Ashland, “There was an incident years ago where everyone thought I hit her. I was trying to contain her. I had her arms and we both went down to the ground … I felt terrible and delivered her to a plastic surgeon … She was attacking me, though, with a small fork — like a cocktail fork. And she had it with her; that was the weird part. What was she doing with, like, a shrimp fork in her purse? She stole it, clearly. From a buffet.”

He  told NBC’s Jeff Rossen, “I’m tired of pretending like I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending like I’m not bitchin’, a total fricking rock star from Mars, and people can’t figure me out, they can’t process me. I don’t expect them to. You can’t process me with a normal brain”


And in an in home interview with ABC, he said, “I am on a drug, it’s called ‘Charlie Sheen’. It’s not available because if you try it once, you will die. Your face will melt off and your children will weep over your exploded body– too much?”


“I probably took more than anybody could survive. … I was bangin’ seven gram rocks and finishing them because that’s how I roll, because I have one speed, one gear. [surviving] because I’m me. I’m different. I have a different constitution, I have a different brain, I have a different heart. I got tiger blood, man. Dying’s for fools, dying’s for amateurs.”

The interviewer made sure to note that Sheen stopped to joke with the two pornstar girlfriends off screen, in between questions.

In a 40+ minute live interview on his back porch with gossip syndicate TMZ, Charlie was sure to make several quips.

Asking Sheen if he’d hit “rock bottom,” he replied, “Rock bottom? That’s a fishing term.”

“I have a grandiose life. I embrace it.  Sorry my life is so much more bitchin’ than yours. I planned it this way.”

Regarding Two and a Half Men and his plans on the rest of his acting career, he responded, “I’m insulted. I am confused. But these resentments, they are the rocket fuel that lives in the tip of my sabre.”

However, the best and one of the first, has to be the segment on Alex Jones’ show, ironically probably the best thing to come of it.

“Here’s your first pee test, next one goes in your mouth- no you won’t get high”

“Let me say this about the Goddesses, I don’t think the term is good enough, but when you’re bound by these terrestrial descriptions, you must use the best term available. So if you think about it dude, I’m 0-for-3 in marriage, but like in baseball, the scoreboard doesn’t lie. Never has. So what we all have is a marriage of the hearts. And to sully, contaminate, or radically disrespect this unit with a shameful contract is something I’ll leave to the amateurs and bible grippers.”

The “Goddesses” are the aforementioned pornstars. Awesome.

“And we are, I dunno, winning? Anyone?  What rhymes with ‘winning?’ We do! Sorry, I didn’t write the rules”

This is the particular quote off of the show, slamming Two and a Half Men creator Chuck Lorre, that not only got the show suspended but also had many members of the media painting Sheen as an anti-semite;

“I’m tired of being told ‘well you can’t talk about that and you can’t talk about that,’ BULL S-H-I-T.  Let me just say this, there’s nothing. I just think it’s deplorable that a certain Chaim Levine, that’s Chuck’s real name by the way, mistook this rock star for his own selfish exit strategy bro. Check it Alex, I embarrassed him in front of his children and the world by healing at a pace that his uninvolved mind cannot process. Okay last I checked Chaim, I’ve spent, I think, I don’t know, the last decade, I don’t know, effortlessly and magically converting your tin cans into pure gold and the gratitude I get is this charlatan chose not to do his job, which is to write. Clearly someone who believes he is above the law. Well, you’ve been warned dude. Bring it.”

“I’m sorry, man, but I’ve got magic. I’ve got poetry in my fingertips. Most of the time — and this includes naps — I’m an F-18, bro. And I will destroy you in the air. I will deploy my ordinance to the ground.”

Jones then asked about his most recent tattoo; “Yeah why not, because it’s just pure and complete gnarlyisms, I sat with two- hey coincedence- F18 top gun radical fire napalm dropping pilots in my movie theater watching the chopper attack sequence on the beach head to go surfing, because they wanted to and those people were in their way, and I was getting a tattoo during the death from above, and it’s the banner of the death card that kilgore is throwing on his victims, but there’s also, falling from it, is the apple from the giving tree. there’s my life, deal with it. Oh wait, can’t process it. Losers. Buh Bye. WINNING.”


“Guys, it’s right there in the thing, duh! We work for the Pope, we murder people. We’re Vatican assassins. How complicated can it be? What they’re not ready for is guys like you and I and Nails and all the other gnarly gnarlingtons in my life, that we are high priests, Vatican assassin warlocks. Boom. Print that, people. See where that goes.”

“I have cleansed myself. I closed my eyes and in a nanosecond, I cured myself… It’s the work of sissies. The only thing I’m addicted to is winning. This bootleg cult, arrogantly referred to as Alcoholics Anonymous, reports a 5 percent success rate. My success rate is 100 percent. Do the math … another one of their mottoes is ‘Don’t be special, be one of us.’ Newsflash: I am special, and I will never be one of you! I have a disease? Bullshit! I cured it with my brain, with my mind. I cured it, I’m done … you don’t look like you’re having a lot of fun. I’m gonna hang out with these two smoking hotties and fly privately around the world. It might be lonely up here but I sure like the view, Alex!”


During a discussion regarding his potential involvement with Major League 3, Charlie let us know how he really felt, “In fact, a lot of people think the movie’s called The Wild Thing – as they should.  Whatever, I agreed to do it, there’s just one deal point that Jim Robinson, a wonderful man at Morgan Creek, needs to work out.  If they want me in it, it’s a smash, if they don’t it’s a turd that opens on a tugboat.”

“Bring me a challenge somebody, bring me a frickin’ challenge. Because, it just ain’t there.WINNING.”

“I’m bayonets. I’m battle tested bayonets… I’m so tired of pretending like my life isn’t just perfect and just winning every second, and I’m not just perfect and bitchin’ and just delivering the goods at every frickin’ turn. Look what I’m dealing with, man. I’m dealing with fools and trolls. I’m dealing with soft targets, and it’s just strafing runs in my underwear before my first cup of coffee … they lay down with their ugly wives and their ugly children and just look at their loser lives and then they look at me and say, ‘I can’t process it.’ Well, no, and you never will! Stop trying! Just sit back and enjoy the show.”


The list goes on as far as quotes and general moments of sublime absurdity coming from this actor we all know and love. I’ve been working for days on this blog just to try to keep up with them all and it’s clear I can’t fully do that.   Is he truly having a meltdown? Have the drugs completely gone to his head and separated his cognition from reality?

Who fucking cares, he’s Charlie Sheen. He makes great movies, hilarious TV, he fucks hookers and pornstars, he uses drugs and alcohol famously, and the only ones he’s hurt have been just a few women.  So, lesson learned; don’t date Charlie Sheen.  I also wouldn’t recommend leaving him alone in your pharmaceutical warehouse.

Also, I have to make clear that it is true that Charlie Sheen is a vehement truther, as I know that is one of the many things that fellow bastard Jaye Powers loves to point out.  I understand this and frankly don’t give a fuck.  I mean let’s face it, at the end of the day, it’s not like we’re talking about someone who is famous and controversial and adored by millions worldwide while at the same time being a CHILD MOLSTER.

For more continuing coverage of the Charlie Sheen Winning Machine, you can check out his twitter, @charliesheen, or check out one of my recent favorite websites, Live The Sheen Dream

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